I started this blog as a way to keep track of Molly pictures, milestones…etc. I am probably the least organized person on the planet, so blogging helped me keep my thoughts, plans, ideas and pictures all in one place, instead of floating around in my mind, randomly.

Since I am not working, I used to look at blogging like a job. I would blog everyday about something, anything that piqued my interest. The problem with that was blogging then became a job. It was something I almost forced myself to do everyday, whether I liked it or not.

Finally I just stopped. I was tired. Tired of trying to compete with other blogs like it was a popularity contest, tired of not feeling passionate about my writing. Tired of not being able to think and write down my thoughts because I wasn’t getting any sleep at night.

I thought that maybe at some point I would find the motivation to write again. Then, bad things started happening. Soul-crushingly bad things. My grandma died, I was offered a great job and then, for no reason at all, the offer was rescinded, then—the kicker in all of this—I found out that I am pregnant again. And not just, oh I am 5 weeks along, more like 16 weeks and 4 days—and I had NO CLUE. I wasn’t sick and I thought all of my other symptoms were seasonal allergies. Stupid, right? Stupid and scary.

Then, before I even had time to process the pregnancy, my dad went in for a routine stress test and ended up having emergency triple bypass surgery.  He’s okay, Thank God, but it was so scary.

THEN….we find out the baby is another girl–silver lining, right? It will save a lot of money to be able to reuse everything, which is great. But, at my doctor appointment the OB informs me that the baby’s left kidney is dialated and we need to watch it. I can’t help but think something is wrong and it is my fault because I didn’t know I was pregnant. I beat myself up constantly because I should have known—I just went through this, how could I not know? It feels like being 16 again.

With all of that—how interesting would this blog be to read? All I do is worry. I worry about money, about my dad, about this baby and how on earth is going to be possible to manage two kids under two. How do I find a job now? On top of that, how incredibly expensive would daycare be?

Oh, and I am trying to wean Molly and she refuses everything I do. Last night she wouldn’t eat her dinner (pasta with tomato sauce) and then screamed because she wanted to nurse. When I finally got her to sleep, she woke up every 2 hours and wanted to nurse, which I am not supposed to do, so I have to just try and calm her down while also trying to maintain my sanity.

It feels like I am failing. I am failing as a mother, I have already failed as a wife. I am failing as a daughter and a daughter in law. I am failing at just being myself. Do I even know who I am anymore?  It doesn’t feel like it.

With all of that said, I hope you all understand my “blogging sabbatical”. I wish I could say that I have come out of all of this a stronger, better person, but I haven’t. I am still in the muck and cannot find my way out.

Please forgive me for this awful, depressing post. It’s as real and as raw as I get, and I hope that can be appreciated for what it is—the truth.